My open relationship

“It takes more than two people and sometimes a lot more than two people."

My most meaningful romantic relationship in some time was with someone already in a relationship.

It happened randomly, unintentionally and was for a limited period. Isn’t that the same trajectory for many traditional relationships?

Tyler, whose name I’ve altered for the purposes of this tale, came to Washington this past summer for an internship opportunity with a government agency. A teacher in New York tiring of his profession, he had descended upon the nation’s capital as many do: To be revitalized through a career jolt and change of scenery.

Unsure what he wanted to pursue next, he arrived brimming with possibility.

What he left at home was his partner.

We met on one of the “apps” gay men use to facilitate our favored choice of relationship, which is to say a sexual one. I could spot he was “new”, always a prized trait in the sea of boxes and circles on these frustrating but necessary “dating” facilitators.

Tyler wasn’t doing anything nefarious. He and his partner had agreed to “open up” as he spent his time — about 8 summer weeks — in the district. For you straight folks out there, this means allowing for the opportunity to have sexual relations with people outside your partner. But doing so with permission.

The sex and relationship columnist and podcaster Dan Savage says one of his most frequent piece of advice to people about their sex lives is, “It takes more than two people and sometimes a lot more than two people.”

Tyler was clear and direct to me about his intentions. I was about to be a willing ancillary to this agreement. It seemed simple and easy. We probably both meant for it to be quick.

Until he actually arrived at my apartment.